Alone. Amidst a sea of people, I felt a pawn, misunderstood, to no one did I feel drawn.

The internet called and I did answer. Influencers dug into me like an invading cancer.

I lived on their every word, every siren song, feeling invincible, one who could do no wrong.

I subscribed, I gave, I bought, became a part of their tribe, just like a mesmerized enrapt dancer.

Their goals caused resources to drain; yet I in their mind did now wane, no longer relied upon.

My importance no longer mattered, it now seemed scattered, no need of me as their romancer.

Their ears to me were now closed, as if I was indisposed, even though over them I did fawn.

Their thoughts and ideas I still yearn but now I get burned because I receive no answer.

I need their words for healing, to soothe my feeling. To me it did not matter the cost.

Now, drained of time and money, I taste the bitterness of their honey, and feel even more lost.

I turned to something more tangible, something more reliable, upon which I had control.

Academics became my god, no need for a façade, I could count only on myself.

I became consumed with excellent grades; all else seemed to cascade as if into a black hole.

This gave me direction, a purpose, a relevance without rejection, no longer unseen on a shelf.

I thrived on the accolades of my professors, made others the transgressors; them I did cajole.

The envy of my peers thrilled me, put me on a pedestal for all to see, all for praise itself.

The straight A became my goal, something all could behold, that alone became my payroll.

Each grade became thrilling like the shoemaker’s shelf filling with shoes by the mysterious elf.

But, graduation day came, suddenly it all seemed lame, for again I was now alone.

My self-worth now seemed like a sham; the sacrificial lamb without a safe zone.

Good grades, like a golden doorknob, led me to a wonderful job in which I could succeed.

Climb I did; even working abroad in Madrid, to make it to the top of my profession.

I saw others as a means to an end, someone to shape and bend, not one I would truly need.

The pinnacle was my goal, even to the point of losing my soul. My aim no one could question.

Climbing became my reason for living, not a way to be forgiving, even if others had to bleed.

I became envied, even hated, but that just made me feel sated, a price to pay for ascension.

True friends were rare, as many used me only as a fare to launch their own success with speed.

I often used them as a prize to make myself look wise; to me they were only a worthy mention.

But my success became hollow and unwanted, like a house abandoned and haunted.

Emptiness played with my sanity telling me all is just vanity; aloneness in my face is flaunted.

So I changed my aim, a new goal without fame, as my effort became now truly altruistic.

I invested my time treating others like brothers and became a truly sincere friend.

My goal and desire, now second to what they require, is undoubtedly unduly artistic.

Helping them succeed was my only desire and need and so my time I did now lend.

I felt fulfilled; my psyche I could now rebuild and never go back to being egotistic.

Yet their needs became my affliction; my help became their addiction I could not commend.

I felt somewhat used, trapped, abused, and never thought I would be such a statistic.

Some, addicted to my help, made me want to yelp, as this I truly could not defend.

I now became confused, disillusioned, emotionally bruised, not sure how to cope.

Isn’t friend the opposite of alone? What could now atone for them providing a lack of hope?

Maybe I misunderstood, high was such a likelihood, so I sought out that very special one.

One rising above the crowd being proud they were above the pettiness of the majority.

I didn’t know if one could exist and move to the top of my list making me no longer feel undone.

But to my surprise, I found such a prize, and fell in love making me no longer in the minority.

Our love would stand the test of time, we would forever align and be second to none.

But time did not prove so kind. All began to unwind. True love no longer seemed the authority.

My rock crumbled, my ground rumbled; my best friend, my life, now became just someone.

Marriage was not an oasis, not a solid basis, where my desires could become a superiority.

It became a desert, each grain a hurt I could not avert; something I could no longer trust.

The concept—a façade, merely a mirage, a god preventing aloneness turning to dust.

In the end, I could only count on me; this took quite a while to see. I would now do as I wanted.

I went with every whim, never allowed myself to feel grim, and did whatever felt right.

Living in the moment was freedom, enjoyment became the medium which I now truly flaunted.

The world, as they say, was my oyster with never a nay as I focused only on my own delight.

I plunged into politics, raising money warding off lunatics I felt were definitely unwanted.

Yet I found each candidate’s greed proved greater than the need in their beliefs to fight.

I went in every religious direction promising intimate reflection only to find they taunted

Things devoid of depth or spiritual health which only deepened my unsatisfied plight.

I was now in worse shape than before, an empty shell seeking for more not knowing if it existed.

Every god I tried disappointed making me feel empty inside and life was just truly twisted.

What was now left? Nothing it seemed, which made me bereft. I craved, but nothing satisfied.

What I did not want, but what did taunt, was something which tempted me to pursue.

Someone said I needed God; I gave a nod but knew this was not needed I told myself inside.

But who knew the unseen could charge one like caffeine and fill a void. On this I had to chew.

Christ being far greater than I ever knew, did pursue to make me his bride.

Led me to the Father, who makes a bother over me, and never ever puts me in a queue.

His Spirit becomes my Counselor and opens the door to advice that is so perfect and so wide.

There is nothing he cannot answer in a way that is loving which always yields a breakthrough.

I have found the freedom and joy I had always craved, and am now saved by the Cornerstone

Who gives life eternally to all who ask, so in him I bask and never ever have to feel alone.

By Randy C. Dockens

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